The Massive Eating Calculator
Massive Calculations, Without the Headache

By Phil Caravaggio
First published at www.johnberardi.com, Jul 26 2002.

Printer friendly version

One day, while perched high atop a misty mountain in the Himalayas, John pondered his future.

"Who am I?" he asked himself.

"What is the meaning of life?"

"How many calories must I eat to support my goal of excessive muscular hypertrophy?"

Certainly, these are difficult issues for any man to resolve. But John, armed only with a second-hand abacus and having eaten himself into a cottage cheese induced stupor, was particularly ill-equipped for the task. After sliding the abacus beads back and forth aimlessly for days, reminiscent of a dazed infant playing with that crappy slidy-thing at the dentist's office, he reached a breaking point.

"Enough! There must be a better way to calculate my caloric needs!"

Of course, there were many better ways to accomplish this simple task. But John would settle for nothing less than the coolest, fanciest, most comprehensive, most technologically advanced calorie calculator known to man. He vowed to search the four corners of the earth until he found it.

"Money is no object!" he declared.

But money was an object. In fact, it was the only object. Having spent his fortune on cheap Nepalese beef plasma, and having been robbed of all but $2.13 by a particularly vengeful Sherpa, John set out a new criterion for the proposed calorie calculator.

"Let it be cheap!"

So, without further ado, here it is:

Copied with permission from John Berardi/Science Link